Fake Plastic Toys

One of the tools that Social Workers use to determine the dysfunctionality or otherwise of family life, apparently, is the number of toys that the children in the household have to play with. I've always thought that this test was a bit pants; it's not unusual for parents to use expensive gifts as a substitute for love and care. Conversely, improvisation rules, as anyone brought up on Blue Peter and Sesame Street would tell you.

Anyway, I was tidying up the First Born's room the other day when it occurred to me that pretty much all his toys are either hand-me-downs or of the  here's-one-I-made-earlier-with-an-old-washing-up-bottle-and-a-piece-of-string calibre. I wonder if we'll have the busies from Social Services knocking on the door soon?

Let me introduce you to a few of TFB's favourite 'toys'

(1) The Toothbrush. His mother often cleans her teeth with him clamped to one hip (I'm asleep in bed, since you asked). It was, of course, only a matter or time before he decided that he would like a nice toothbrush for himself, to stick into his own mouth. So Dr M gave him mine.

It wouldn't have been so bad if he had limited himself to brushing his gums. But the day I woke up to find him industriously brushing the bathroom floor with what was going to go into my mouth minutes hence, I know that things Had To Change. So I brought him his own toothbrush.

The problem, however, is that my son is a willful, stubborn and capricious little creature (just like one of his parents, actually), and had his heart set on my toothbrush. I, on the other hand, saw this as the first in a long line of capitulations and compromises that would only end when he left home, so I refused, and took to hiding my toothbrush.

After a few skirmishes, Dr M intervened, buying me a new toothbrush and ordering me to had over the old one to the boy. Which worked well for about a week, until he lost my old toothbrush, and grew designs on...

I am now forced to clean my own teeth surreptitiously, under cover of darkness in my own house, and to hide my toothbrush doubling as a toy, from my own son. God is good.

(2) The Broom - that said, he does have a genuine interest in wielding cleaning implements around. Now, if I play my cards right and train him properly, I may yet have him seeping the house before his first birthday...

He's always been obsessed with cleaning implements, I don't know why. At first, it was the dustpan and brush. Pretty much the second he started to walk, he switched to the long handled broom. He goes to fetch it from it's hiding place (there are times when I feel that I live in a big hiding place, there are so many things we need to conceal from TFB...) and charges out waving it about and shouting at the top of his voice. Filled with the martial spirit, no doubt, as Alan Clark might have said...and talking of Alan Clark...

(3) Margaret Thatcher - not the Margaret Thatcher, you understand, but her 'Spitting Image' squeaky rubber toy. (of course, she is pretty much a child's plaything nowadays, bless her, but she'll still spit small children out for breakfast - and take their milk away from them - given half a chance).

I used to work in a left wing - i.e. Thatcher-hating - municipal office, and they had her - the toy - hanging from a noose in a corner of the room. Everyone thought it was good fun. Eventually, however, the powers that be got to here of our Regicide, and sent the order for us to cut her down. I was quite fond of the rubbery old thing, so I adopted her. And now my son chews at her bouffant hair do when he feels like. There is some justice there, although I am not sure what.

(4) The remote control - evidence that I spend too much time watching television with him. I am a Bad Parent...in self defence, it is usually just half an hour in the morning before I've woken up properly, I watch with him and talk him through the programmes, and it gives him a chance to listen to spoken English. For some reason, he loves Big Cook Little Cook. That and the Tweenies.

(5) The telephone - proof that his mother spends to much time on it. He picks it up and tucks it under his arm as if it is an important piece of work. Yesterday, for the first time, he shouted into it (have you noticed that the first born does a lot of shouting?). It's all downhill from here...

(6) A purple plastic duck - The thig is, it is not even a proper toy - it's a fancy suction cap for his bath toy bag. Anyway, he fell in love with it the first time he saw it, and went everywhere with it for a week or two. The love affair has cooled slightly, but it is in his cot even as we speak...

(7) My books and cds and dvds. He carefully removes them from the bookshelf. Then carefully drops them onto the floor. Then walks away, whilst I pick them up. If there is a God in Heaven, one day...

(8) His food - 'nuff said. Why do you think he is so familiar with the broom?

(9) Hand Clothes - He favors two, Orange and Blue in particular. He takes one in each hand, then performs a rough approximation of a Morris Dance. It seems to keep him happy, I suppose...

(10) My beard - I grew one because I wanted to cultivate a 'bohemian' look. (This is also known as an official mid life crises - I would buy the motorbike too if I could afford it). TFB, however, likes to tug on it, especially when he is half asleep and I have to bite down on my tongue to stop myself from yelling blue mirder and turning a peaceful sleeping child into a wailing dervish.

After reading through this list, I think that maybe Social Services should come and take him away.

What else is new? He walks, runs, spins himself around. He has eight teeth. He loves food, and hates sleep (which is, as you can imagine, something of a problem...) He enjoyed two wonderful weeks with his Grandmother, who came to visit for a fortnight. And he's almost one (gulp). WHere on earth has the year gone?

G'Night

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[alicia r]

As I won't be at a computer tomorrow for obvious reasons... HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY SENOR FIRST BORN!!!!

Time has gong by so quickly... I can't believe that they are going to be 1 year old tomorrow... I remember the day too well...

Have a great day of fun!!!